Day 7: I GIVE UP!

Okay, so my 'true love' has bird festish. FINE! I give up. I'll take the 7 Swans a Swimming. They're actually quite beautiful and graceful...

Unlike the this cumbersome creature. Yet that doesn't stop it from getting a whole lotta true love!



Follow the link for a touching tale of holiday romance.

Day 6? Time flies...

Okay, I thought we were DONE with the birds.

Six Geese a-laying? Why does my true love bring me gifts that have reproductive connotations? Or is it only my mind? Bad enough the 2 turtle doves cooing then the 3 French Hens...so would this be a double menage a trois or simply a goose orgy?

No, I'm not that stupid...of course I know the reference is they're laying eggs, which means MORE geese and subsequently MORE droppings everywhere.

My friend lives on a cul-de-sac that's near a pond in our neighborhood. The boys USED to go there to play street hockey, until these foul took over the turf. Gang wars? No, the boys surrendered when the road became a slippery rink of goose glop.

Worse yet was when the goslings arrived. Have you ever walked within 100 feet of a mama goose? She'll chase you, do this funky thing with her neck like "don't you mess with my babies" and make an evil hissing noise that makes some horror movies look tame!

Movies like "The Omen", which was an eerie theme when that same friend was due a visit from her mother-in-law. Moments before her arrival, just as window cleaners were making the last pane sparkle, they reported "Ma'am, you have a dead goose in your yard." She distracted Mum with a gin and tonic while her husband hauled the body into the woods.

Oh PLEASE don't give me any ideas...

A Christmas Goose?

NO...my true love did not bring me a children's storybook. But as a child I always questioned the validity of facts.
Have YOU ever seen a cow actually jump? Has your silverware been training for a marathon?

CLICK HERE AND ENJOY AN EXCLUSIVE TRACK from my CD, "Shelly's Nursery Rhymes: The REST of the Story..."

Day 5: Bring on the Bling!

Well finally, bird brain redeemed himself, but to a rather excessive amount. FIVE gold rings? Most women would not complain...but I'm not 'most' women. While most others are begging for more bling, my tastes are simple and practical.

That takes me back to my childhood. As a young girl growing up in the 1960's not only were we supposed to be virtuous like our fairy tale princess role models, we were also supposed to one day blossom into domestic goddesses like Betty Crocker.

Which is why I asked for an Easy Bake Oven.

But alas, Santa brought me Barbie, who didn't have to cook because Ken took her out for dinner all the time on account of the fact he wanted to be seen in the company of a woman with disproportionately large breasts. She also got a dream house...and BLING!

As I quickly blitzed through puberty and was fortunate I left enough money under my pillow for the Booby Fairy to be quite generous, I probably didn't feel as motivated to focus enough on school. Especially Home Economics, which if I consulted my report cards I think I FLUNKED!

And now a word from our sponsor... I bet Barbie never had to deal with THIS:

Day 4: Can you hear me NOW?

Maybe if my true love took a hint and bought me something from Victoria's Secret, like lingerie with FEATHERS (honestly until I went to the mall I didn't know such an undergarment existed)...then I could resemble the gift I got on the 4th Day of Christmas!!!

AAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Was it four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie? That would be one nasty (not to mention) BIG pie!

NO! It was four 'calling' birds. Who are they going to call? The French hens and say, "Bonjour?" And how do they place a call? Peck at the keys with their beak? Maybe they could download irritating chirping ringtones, which if they could use the computer could get for FREE!

I wait with baited breath (hey do you know how many worms it takes to feed all my new feathered friends) for Day 5...

Day 3: Why am I not surprised?

True LOVE? How about true IMBECILE! Well he managed to return the two turtle doves but must have decided the "buy two get one free" deal on poultry was too good to pass up.

"Ooh la la, mon cherie, but zees are French hens" he says as he tries to plant a sloppy kiss on my face...

OKAY WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT NO MORE BIRDS? Faking an accent, despite the fact it's in the 'romance language' category is NOT going to work!

Excuzay moi while I consult zee Muppet cookbook:

On the 2nd Day of Christmas...

...my true love started to annoy me...

HELLO!!!!! What did we not understand about the "no bird" policy? Yeah, I guess they're cute...okay baby, maybe you're right, it is a little romantic...they're cooing and you're...YOU'RE cooing TOO? That's kinky...'birdie style?'...come on...stop...

NO! I mean stop THEM so I don't end up with more than TWO freakin' turtle doves! Excuse me? No, watching a couple of birds going at it does NOT get me in the mood!

After that bizarre little holiday interlude on Day 2, I suggested my true love fly the coop and take the birds with him. He muttered something about the pet shop's return policy...

On the First Day of Christmas...

My true love gave to me...?????

What is this? A partridge? In a pear tree? Oh, you shouldn't have. NO, really, I mean it! Nice try...if the guy wants to be an EX true love! Dude, did you think maybe the bird should be in a CAGE? So it doesn't fly around and poop everywhere? And when they're in a cage they're still messy, not to mention NOISY!

Okay, so I'll give him credit for trying and give him another chance: Enjoy the accompanying audio clip about a man who tried to smuggle something exciting in his pants to give to HIS true love! Hopefully this will influence the gift-buying decision for Day Two...

Your true love,
Michele

Twittering for Birdbrains

On your mark, get set...

This is a Countdown to the Seriously Weird 12 Days of Christmas! One of the greatest gifts you can share is the gift of laughter because it truly does help relieve stress...

Like today when I was sitting in traffic with rude, stressed-out holiday shoppers. Everybody knows the lyrics to the traditional 12 Days of Christmas, except I can never remember how many lords are leaping.


But that gave me a great idea:

Every day until Christmas I will post a blog with an accompanying graphics, audio or video humor piece or something related to share as much comedy love with you during this holiday season.


So get ready to laugh...and sing along if you wish, but PLEASE SHARE THIS GIFT WITH YOUR LOVED ONES!!!

Light Up Your Holidays!

"While some of our neighbors pay several hundreds of dollars to have a licensed and insured company come to their home and string the lights for them and end up with quite an impressive display, we still make our annual pilgrimage to Lake Lanier Islands to see what must be the equivalent of enough electrical output to illuminate an entire small Caribbean Island (even with all the blenders for tropical drinks running simultaneously)."

For more hilarious holiday traditions, take a road trip down Flip Side to Music's Humor Highway: http://flipsidetomusic.com/humor-highway/

Love & laughs,
Shelly